Heartache.





I love oac and I love my friends in oac, I miss every one of them. But its so fucking sakit hati to look at the pictures of new exco's. But I got myself into this shit......

First day of Raya was catastrophic, everything seems broken :/ but yesterday was such a blessing, after years of not seeing ALL of my closest cousins in one house at the same time, it happen although the misunderstanding between my two aunties have yet to be resolved i pray that one day it will because it's such a waste to see the sisterhood and the love they had for each other back then to go down the drain over a little misunderstanding. But nevertheless, i'm always hoping and praying that they will reconcile and that the misunderstanding only strengthen their relationship and tighten their bond as sisters.

They say good things come to those who wait, but... till when? Everyday, there's a point of time that i feel like just giving up because what else is there to hope for, i've waited for years hoping for change, for some results but time and time again i'll just end up getting disappointed when the bitter truth that nothing has change slaps me hard in the face. But i'm still hoping and waiting for the day that things finally change. Sometimes i feel stupid for doing so many things for so many people, always hoping good things for them when they always give up on me, always never getting anything in return. I always try to make people feel special, but nobody made ME feel special :/


K lah idk why i blog ah, nobody reads this anymore. I like stupid kental idiot got blog.

Monday blues.

why am i fighting for something that wasn't even mine to begin with? is it stupid of me to want you, to want us?

i ask myself if it's worth it, if it's worth all the pain and heartache if it's worth me waiting and waiting for you to just say something. It's easy for everyone else to say "just forget about it", "his not worth it", "move on" but they don't know what i see you in you the little spark that ignites my heart. everytime i talk to you now it always feels awkward i wish we were back at square one to just being friends, maybe it wouldn't have fuck things up this badly. i miss you

I try so hard to be there for everyone, to satisfy everyone, to be a good friend. But no one seems to ever notice. Ever. I've thought about just giving up, to stop trying so hard and to drift away from everyone. Maybe then, people would notice me. But I just can't do that. I need people, too much. I just wish they needed me too.

going to watch this show instead of the stupid justin babi halal movie, i am not a belieber.

you told me that everything is going to be ok it's been 3 years since has anything ever changed? tomorrow it's his special day and what are we suppose to do, celebrate his existence in this world when countless of times he tried to erase ours? 

your the best and yes i do regret how i could let myself, let you go. //edited

What do you do when you're stuck because the one that you love has pushed you away and you can't deal with the pain and now you're trying to fix me, mend what he did. I'll find the piece that i'm missing, 


but I still miss him

I FUCKING MISS HIM LIKE CRAZY AND IT'S ONLY BEEN 2 DAYS. fml

do you call a house the place you return to, the place you eat, shit and sleep.. do you call it your home? where is my home, many times we've talked about just running away, far away from this place we fear returning to, for our lives are at stake. I want to live, i want to fight for my life. Please let me go, let me be able to save myself so i can experience the true beauty of life, being able to say i know that one day i'm going to be able to do all those things, being able to say "when i'm 40..." being able to say that i'm going to live, live through this mess and the troubles that haunt me, i want to be able to say that i'm alive.

when the evening shadows and stars appear and there's no one there to dry your tears, i could hold you for a million, to make you feel my love.

Switchfoot - Your Love Is A Song

i don't know you but i want to and when i do, i never want to lose you /edited

i wait and wait and wait for the day you will change because your hurting us all

Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Mobile phones are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and mum was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn’t make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn’t wait to grow up.

via mermaidwhores

neck deep in projects that are piling up, the hardest module in the history of mankind test is tomorrow and i have yet to pack for camp and my mum just replied me big fat 'K' I don't expect things to always go my way but right now i'm tired, so tired and i wish that things could go slower i wish i had more time i might not be able to change things but i want to make it better, i want to make myself feel better, i wish i could just say 'k' to everything and just now give a shit about anything, but i can't. This isn't fair, but life's never fair. I miss my bestfriend the strength she gave that make me feel like i could over come any obstacle having spent so little time with her since school started i feel like i'm getting weaker and weaker and maybe one day i'll just fade away

Chris Medina - What Are Words

What are words, if you really don't mean them when you say

them what are words, if they're only for good times

if your a bird, i'm a bird.

first love

we've been through this before, this process it's almost like a routine we have to do every year around this time we try to remake so we can relive those few months when we first got together when everything was still blissful after that all we did was fight and fight and fight and fight and fight and fight about everything! you made me sad you make me happy i want to rip your head off i want to hold you like there's no tomorrow. the tears, everything, it was all worth it i would never change a second of it. sighs i miss you, meeting you earlier on wasn't enough i want to keep you in my pocket and bring you wherever i go /edited

you can go ahead and become the most popular person on this fucking earth but when your down and out, let us see how many people will be there for you? i only want those who will stick around thru thick and thin, and dude i doubt your one of them so please just do me a favour, and fuck off. /edited

suddenly i remember why i fucking loved you, those late night calls, breakfast in the wee hours of the morning,  how safe you made me feel in your arms, how my heart melts when i see you smile, how my heart break to see you cry, how you would give me surprises for no reason, how you tolerate my nonsensical ranting, how we used to do nothing at your house with the rest, how your lips felt against mine. Strangers to friends to bestfriends to lovers. you.. were the fucking best i ever had. /edited

i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss us

Matt Morris "Live Forever" (Live) at iheartradio

we look in the dark and wonder.

Justin Bieber - Pray

Not a belieber but this song is amazing. I can't wait to be able to be part of all of this I want to be able to make a change, people go on about their daily lives talking about what they don't have instead of appreciating everything they do.

Tears don't mean your losing, everybody's bruising.

I find myself rewriting again and again, i don't know what to say. With you i never thought that this would happen because we've always got something to talk about the topics are endless every second has a whole new story of it's own but nowadays i find myself either speechless or thinking over what i should say or have said  "did it sound too mean?" "maybe is wasn't funny" "i must've sounded like an idiot". Things have changed, '$2 day' has ceased to exist but it's okay, maybe things were meant to turn out this way.

The good news, i'm getting better and the bad news is i've got to take tons and tons of medicine for me to get better because i don't want to get warded. In replace of tubes connected to my body to give me whatever i need to get me better i have to take 12 kinds of medication in total, now isn't that fun? Hopefully i'll be back in school by Monday, i miss IOH.

Falling slowly, eyes that know me.

Surprised Kitty (Original)

GERAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!

Dan Black - Symphonies ft. Kid Cudi

how many times must i break till i shatter

The fear starts creeping in, will history repeat itself? because honestly, i'm tired. Tired of having to do the same thing over and over agn tired of not having enough courage to try something new tired of repeating the same ol' cycle, i'm tired. Goodnight.

I'm finally contented with my OSA assignment, for now. It's 12.22am, and I've been working on it since I've gotten back from work with a few short smoke and pizza break. Tomorrow I'm going to have to muster all the confidence I have and I don't really have much to do what I've got to do, so I doubt that I'm going to go thru with it because I am what people call 'chicken shit.' heh heh heh. Shit, there's no way i'm going to wake up in time tomorrow, Mrs Foo, I'm sorry I think I was born to attend all your classes late, it's my destiny. Goodnight.

You'd be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground.

Falling down like rain from the sky, I fell from so high up and came crashing down to the pavement. I hit so hard that it shattered my bones into thousands of pieces. My skeletion laid in a pile on the ground waiting to be swept up and thrown away or to sink into the earth only to be found years later. You were the cloud that let me go.

Can't believe i have to grow old!

Second best, is all I will know.

Same shit, different year.

I don't have to work, but I do. I don't have to obey, but I do. I don't have to help, but I do. I don't have to get stress thinking of ways to come up with money not money for me but for you, but I do. I don't have to do anything, but I do, because I love you, but loving you can only go so far sometimes it's so hard I want to see things go better for us but it doesn't and it hurts me because it makes me feel as if I never helped, as much as I work, as much as I listen as much as I do anything you ask me to do it doesn't seem to make a difference to you at all, you never see what I do for you, you only see what I don't do. Now I'm asking myself, is it all worth it?

Don't you let me go tonight.

All I feel like doing now is cry.
 I've realised that the more you do what people ask you to do the more they expect of you.
Why am i tiring myself out to be that girl that everyone wants me to be.
"I cannot do this anymore" time and time again i've heard myself say this but i've
never built up enough courage to put a stop to it all. Ya Allah, make me strong,
because my heart is breaking. I feel myself fading away. I feel washed out.
 Drained of every ounce of the person I used to be.
 Everything that used to make me happy, doesn't anymore.
 Lately i've been tired, oh so tired.

You thought me how to stand up for myself, now I'm standing up to you.

If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and green
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and green
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a river in the mountains tall,
The rumble of your water would be my call.
If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow
Just as long as you were with me, when the cold winds blow.

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod
If you were a seed, well I'd be a pod.
If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug
And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.
If you were the love, I'd be the desire.
If you were a castle, I'd be your moat,
And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

I am not wonderwoman like I claim to be.

I wish I could split myself into two.

I love you.

Hard labor,

sweat cries out of my wounds, as thrashing whips tear me open, release of endorphins takes the pain, until they whip, they whip again. Burns and cuts, bruises and sores, locked away, locked behind doors, utterly senseless, this is insane, but then they whip me, whip me again. The sun thrashes my eyes all day, dehydration just keeps building, but we are kept as workers, slaves, as the humid heat slowly waves. 'In this heat, I could die, this is no petty lie, drained of energy, torn apart, left with but a beating heart.'

Eyes tell stories,
but do they know how to do craft fiction? do they know how to spin lies? his eyes swear forever, flatter with vows of only me but are they empty promises? I stare into his eyes, as into a crystal ball, I cannot find forever, only movies of yesterday, a sketch book of today and dreams of a shared tomorrow. His eyes whisper secrets but are they truth or fairy tales? I wonder if he even knows.

Don't hesitate to hate.

It is not easy for me to see you and not wish that things were the same way it was back then when everything was easier, my heart aches and breaks to see you and not be able to go up to you and scream your name in your face and irritate you like theres no tomorrow. I shouldve used my last day with you like there really was no tomorrow, never did I know things would end up the way it is now, I miss you with all heart and I cannot deny it, I want all of us to go back where we started off but I know it isnt possible, I know it's my fault but nevertheless I hope all of you know that I miss you guys and I love you guys with all my heart bcos you guys were the people that picked me up when I was down, you were the people that turn my frown upside down. And I will never ever forget you guys, I know all of this sounds like empty words but from the bottom of my heart I really mean what I say if I had the chance to rewind time and save us all from this and sustain our friendship, I would. Images of vivid memories of us are forever etched in my head just like it was yesterday that we were at D's place some curled up on the sofa some sprawled across the living floor. I miss you Fie'e, I miss you guys all.

Images of past memories etched themselves in my mind. Things wasn't always this way, where did you go? Where is that person that used to sing for "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey..", where is that person that used to carry me in yours arms, hugging me tightly keeping me save from the vicious world around us, where is the person that person I knew way back then that held my hand so tight in the streets afraid that I might get lost the next second, where is that person that used to say ilyt and meant it. Where are all these people, bcos honestly i haven't seen them in ages. People expect me to be strong thru it all but it's easier said than done, i've heard myself time and again repeating myself countless time telling myself i'm stronger than this but why am i lying to myself, i'm not. I'm worned out and i just wished everyone would let me just get lost literally, i feel myself fading away piece by piece and maybe soon everything will be gone. I feel the smile on my face slowly turning into a frown day by day but thats ok, the smile was never real to begin with.

Forever is a lie. 

Man, I love my babies. I've got the hiccups. I'm going airport study and then head go geylang, next week N'S!

I FUCKING MISS THIS BAG SIA :(

I love this show.

WAN'S PERFORMANCE (Y)

You've got this look i can't describe you make me feel alive.

melts./edited 2.57am

So we patiently wait for that faithful day.

/edited 9am

You've got a friend in me, and I've got a friend in you. I know for sure that for years and years to come you will stick with me like glue thru the stormiest weathers and the sunniest days. Your so weird, and your exactly like me, we are so weird, I just feel like telling the whole freaking world what a wonderful friend you are, someone that I know I can count on, you patiently sit and listen you take me by my hand and lead me thru the crowd so afraid i'd get lost, you, will always be there. And I just cannot thank you enough for being my friend, for being my bestfriend, someone like a sister to me, I love you Emy.

Your amazing just the way you are.

My feet are stuck here, against the pavement. I want to break free, I want to make it.

You'll be all I need and more.

When im 18, I WANT TO FUCK OFF. I'm going to go to Indonesia then to anywhere else I feel like going, I want to go back packing, alone of with friends. I want to know how it feels to be really i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t.

Have you ever met someone who has given you such protection that when you drift away from your friends and walk into a crowd of millions of people you don't know and you get lost and insecure and before you know it, you feel the warness of someone else hand tangling itself with yours, the heartbeat of that someone as he wraps his arms around you, keeping you safe, keeping you secure? <3

My very latest boring blog post among other boring blog posts, I WENT TO SCHOOL AND FINAAAAAAAAALLLY STARTED ON MY CANVAS *DOES A MILLION JUMPIN JACKS*, WENT HOME STARED AT THE AFTERMATH OF A REALLY BAD CAR ACIDENT FOR 5MINS AND TRIED REMAKING THE WHOLE FUCKING THING IN MY MIND FOR THE WHOLE PERIOD OF TIME BEFORE SOMETHING NEW CATCHES MY BRAINS ATTENTION MET NORAINA AT SOMERSET, WHILE WAITING FOR HER ATTEMPTED TO SMOKE *TURNS HEAD TO LEFT SCREAMS *FUCK IT* IN MY MIND CAUSE THERE WAS A NO SMOKING SIGN STARING ME IN THE FACE THEN TURNS RIGHT AND SEES A SECURITY GUARD WALKING TOWARDS ME, WENT TO FLEA@SCAPE, SAW BALQIS SUPAFLY MY FELLOW COOKIE LOVER, SHOPPED, ATE, WENT TO SHAW TO STEAL CINNAMON MELTS, WENT JURONG EAST, AND THEN HOME HEH HEH I AM A TIRED GIRL, who needs to stop talking in caps and start cleaning her room goodnight peepole.

x marks the spot that I'm buried below.

When they look at me, they have no fucking idea what they are actually looking for. When they look at me, they don't see the 15 going 16 year old me that has seen and faced so much shit in life, they see the new born me, wraped around clean sheets and blankets, looking so fragile that all they want to do is protect me, save me and shield me from all the bad things in life but oh they don't know, they would never would have expected it, i would never have expected it either that i was going to turn into.. me.

I think I need to stop ditching anak Zawawi and spend more time with him, I miss him.

It's sounds stupid, I know it does, but there hasn't been a place where I feel more at home then here yeah its fuckup, yeah its tiring yeah sometimes you get treated like shit but still I love it here, I love the poeple, I love what I do here. I know it sounds incredibly stupid and cheesy but I can't see myself anywhere else. I love this place.. its my.. passion. (cheesy but i swear its true)

I'll be seeing you in all the old familiar places <3 /edited 10.45pm

Honestly,
I can't stand you. We fight 87% percent of the time and when we're not fighting, we're not talking, but I bet your cursing me in your mind just like I was. You pain in the ass son of Mustafa. Your egoistic and you luv to chop me, leaving me looking like a new character in avatar at the end of the day. You will be breathing down my neck when I'm doing something while constantly reminded me that I'm "selow selowwww selow!'"(eee, macam lah kau boleh buat cepat sangat gitu) and when I rush to complete it, it becomes fuckup and then you will make me feel like shit for fucking it up and making it amess. We will get into slap fights and you will actually really slap me, kanina. You don't give a fuck when I ask you to shut the fuck up cause you continue talking anyway. And thanks eh, your the only one who said I gedik ever in my whole life. You = sial, I will not even attempt to say that to your face anymore cause then we'll just be in another fight repeating "huh ape kau sial?! Oh kau sial!" over and over again.
You'll do the stupidest things and keep giving me that stupid face and keep mouthing to me "kau sial" or "bodoh" in slow-mo, MACAM LAH AKU SLOW SANGAT.
You piss me off and I really cannot stand you, at the end of the day when I want to revenge chop you, you'll steal the chop from me and put it in mysterious places I will never touch the chop again, ever ever ever. But, eventho your a pain in the ass and always steal the chop, you've also stolen something else, my heart(chey cheesy siol), I can't stand to be around you and everytime you fuckoff after several repeated orders to fuckoff, I just have to have to see you walk away until you disappear. You talk funny and its adoreble, even the back of your head is adoreble, plus your ayam hair. Eventho you irritate me by calling me slow most of the time, I luv the way you say it, se-low. And eventho you always hurt my feelings you will never let anything or anyone else hurt me. I have no idea why, but i'm crazy about you. I don't have mant reasons why, but I know, I am.crazy.about.you. There are so many fuckup things about you and so little good things about you but still I find myself liking you more and more every single day.

I'm still debating with myself if I should make today or tomorrow my last day at work. The pros of making today my last day is that today I escaped without dying(getting sabohed by benny, izhar, prabu, mamat and all the rest yang menlebih) the cons is, I didn't get to say a real goodbye to everyone, espcially you. Maybe I should just suck it up and die tomorrow(note to self: bring towel, soap, shampoo and extra cloths) but I already told everyone that today is my last, and I really did thought it was my last until Fizah said I had to come work tomorrow, must come.I never had to leave something I loved so much before, so confusing ): what to doooooooooooooo. Okay, tomorrow I will die, I'm coming. Confirm everyone like "EH!?" CONFIRRRM, ok I need to get alot of rest for tomorrow. Goodnight.

Amek lah mase, aku kesian tengok kau, macam ini soal family aku tak nak masuk campur. Aku boleh katekan aku support keputusan ape yang kau pikir InsyaAllah adalah terbaik untuk kau, aku sayang kau macam adik aku, jangan putus asa untuk hidup(no I'm not sucidal) ingat cakap aku selalu pikir positive maybe sekarang kau susah nanti mase depan kau dah boleh hidup senang sebab kau dah lalui macammacam. Kadangkadang kita berdoa untuk kuat tapi dugaan pula yang mendatang, kadangkadang kita mintak kesenangan tapi masalah pula yang mendatang, kadangkadang kita mintak kebahagian tapi huru hara pulak yang datang. Dugaan menjadikan kita kuat, masalah menjadikan kita untuk berfikir, huru hara menjadikan kita untuk bertabah, maha suci ALLAH, semua ada hikmah sebaliknya.Aku nak kau kuat. Hidup ini umpama roda, kadangkadang kite kat atas kadangkadang kita kat bawah, aku tau susah sangat biler masalah datang, aku harap kau kuat macam sekarang. Jangan terlampau pikir sangat, buat kau kalah dalam kehidupan. Dah lah jangan mengedik nak nangis. :D.

Ending part tidak diperlukan eh poyo. I posted this for anyone who is facing any sorts of problem, this advice was given to me by a very good friend <3. This advice can be implied to any sorts of situations. Moral of thw story: we should never give up, everything that happens always has its reasons. When life throws at us lemons, make lemonade :D GOODNIGHT!

sometimes, i feel like giving up. like there's nothing more to save or stay for. lately, everything has been going down hill and today i woke up to find myself buried under all the porblems. one of which, is not MY problem but soemhow they found a way to pull me in again everytime i crawl back out. everytime i feel like giving up, theres this one person i would never would have expected to be there, for me, to give me the best advice i could prolly get at a time like this. thank you so much. <3

                                                              /edited 2.16am

I miss us. /edited 2.12am

I'm, lost in so many different places, so many conversations. Faces I don't want to face.

                                                                       My setansetan :>

No more iphone for me, anak Zawawi took it back, stupid shit face.

Dint go fishing, the weather was soo fucking nice to sleep. Met Ruins for breakfast. Today was a great day despite the fact that I felt like I was going to die and live again when me and Izhar went riding for a while to buy food and stuff from spize and 7elv. Today was a fucking awesome day. Goodnight.

I feel like disappearing.
Tomorrow before work I'm going fishing with Syafiq and the rest, goodnight. God, I'm f-tired.

I got four shots. I cried. I cried infront of you. I can't feel my face. I never my body could hurt this much. It's 12.26, 24 hours has past and it still fucking hurts. But I don't fucking care, cause you were there :>

FLEA FLY FLO FUN WAS AWESUME. :>

Most of the time, your a fucking pain in the ass that I just want to kill you with a blunt plastic butter knife but sometimes.. your my favourite everything.

I don't resort to childish ethics. Firstoff, I hate fighting a war that isn't really mine to begin with. Everytime we tell each other we hate each other and all that fucking shit and we can go days, weeks, months without talking but sooner or later there would just be some shit that pops up that will cause\force us to interact with one another, we have history but at the same time we ARE history. This small mishaps I want to bubblewrap. I swear my intentions we're never bad. Heck yeah it never was easy for me to see him with another person but I don't resort to childish ethics, I won't hate tag you and I told your bestfr my past with him 6 freaking months ago, how was I suppose to know 6months later you'll end up with him? How was I suppose to know 6months later the story will get to you?
I don't know about you but I sure as hell can't predict the future. And your bestfr was close to me and I trusted her back then. If you want me to apologise for the shit you two are going thru cause you think it's caused by me? Well I'm really sorry for not spamming your tagboard and getting blamed for it I'm really sorry for not being able to predict the future. But most of all I'm really sorry I met him. Goodbye.

This friendship is too hard, I don't know if I can do it anymore.

/edited 6.35pm

I want to go to Syafiq chalet! Oh and I'm bogey now, how sad. Fangs told me not to meet him or talk to him until I fix my theeth, thanks! Kate sayang, buang sudah :(

The human voice can never reach the distance that is covered by the still small voice of conscience.

-Mahatma Gandhi /9.51am

You and your heart.